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Dec. 20th, 2007

Edit: so much for therapy. I've called numerous times and only gotten voicemail. I'm not driving that far out of my way just to see if I am scheduled or not. If she can't return my calls about scheduling an appointment, I'm not interested in being her patient, anyhow. I'm more irritable than I was earlier. I'll just find someone else.

Today is supposed to be my therapy appointment. I already don't like this therapist. I've called her two days in a row, and not heard back from her. I have no idea if I have an appointment at one pm or not, because she won't call me back to confirm it. [Interesting side note: It is mandated by the state that insurances offer benefits for mental health. News to me.] I called at nine am. I'll call back around eleven am. Because I'll need to leave here at twelve pm if I do have the appointment at one pm. I have the feeling that I will not have a therapy appointment today. Which may be just as well--or not. Last night I had a depressing dream. I was very frustrated with everything. I remember saying, "This sucks the life right out of me. I can't keep doing this." I was walking in a line, following people, on some sort of destination, and it was very dark. Outside. Street lights. White walls of buildings and cafeteria seating.

I looked at ix09's pictures on flickr. They were beautiful and inspirational. I heard clips of stories as I looked at each picture. I want to take photos that well. I want to capture a story. I want to get better angles. While I looked at the photos, I liked life a little more, for just a little while.

I've been sneezing all day. Well, for the past two days. I hope I'm not getting a cold. With this weather here, it wouldbe no surprise. It was raining this morning. Humid. I wanted it to get dark and storm. I only heard thunder once. It wasn't enough for my liking.

My sister (also my immediate supervisor/boss) made a comment that I was leaving work too early, too often. In my defense, I left five minutes early yesterday, but the days before that, I'd close up at four fifty-eight pm and head downstairs. By the time I said goodbye, it was five pm. I have, indeed, been slacking. I feel guilty about this, but not enough to work more. Neither is the rest of the office. Boss is out of town on vacation, and we're all pretty slow and half-hearted. I have been at least ten minutes late for the past week, though. I can't get up in the morning. I've never been a snoozer, but lately, I snooze for an hour before I finally drag myself out of bed. My first thought when I wake up is almost always, "Shit." The thought of facing another day is utterly exhausting, and before I'm up for two minutes I'm already mentally worn out.

I am very thankful to have this job. Both of my jobs, even. But they, too, are working on what's left of my composure. My job is hardly enjoyable or desirable. I demand money and try to explain why they owe money, which, of course, they do not want to hear. My boss asked me last week, "So, are you planning to stick around."
"Yup, I'm in it, for now." My six month review comes up at the end of January. If I don't get a raise that allows me to fall down to just the one job, I will not be sticking around. Constantly working does nothing for my wavering mentality.

And then there's love, or lack there of. How can I possibly expect someone to love this fragile mind? This oversized frame? What do I have to offer? I think, at times, that if I at least lost enough weight, I'd have a beautiful body to offer. (Yes, I want this for myself, not just so someone will like me.) But, in all honesty, it really would be worlds easier to attract someone if I weren't overweight. This too, will come.

I wish that I were more passionate about...well, anything. Writing or photography, two of my once-upon-a-time favorite pasttimes. Some days I want to take the advice of so many, and just let it all go, and take chances and be bold. Leave this all behind and find a new place in life. Quit work and go to graduate school for a masters in creative writing. Move to an entirely new place, and just experience life in all the ways I've always dreamt of. But I am afraid. How can I leave behind the stability my family offers? They've done so much for me. Another rash decision and I think my father may actually have a heart attack.

I feel like a leaf, that buds and grows on the tree, watching the days and nights go by, aspiring to fly far away in the wind. And then, when I finally break free, I drift about, uncertain in which direction to go, swaying back and forth, undecided in the wind. And then--I am on the ground, waiting on the wind to pick me back up, and carry me off in whatever direction it cares. But until then, I am still here, stuck on the ground.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
sorryyouasked
Dec. 20th, 2007 05:08 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
mcmayhem
Dec. 20th, 2007 05:39 pm (UTC)
I had the same experience with a couple of therapists...if they can't bother to return the call, I don't want to be their patient and they miss out on my insurance money. Sucks for them.
sorryyouasked
Dec. 20th, 2007 06:43 pm (UTC)
Exactly.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )