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in a strangely good mood this morning. not that i'm complaining, i know that can disappear just as soon as it appears.

i'm getting my hair done next week. can't wait to get this blonde out! i'm going to get it all dyed back to as near as they can get to my original color, what i've always called mousy brown.

i was going through pictures this morning and i found one of me and kathy that i really like. bonus having my dad in the background.





today i might head to festival international downtown. i like looking at all the booths and crafts. and i can take pictures. i just hate that i'm still on crutches. that makes it harder to get around, and i get tired so fast. :/

ah well. here's to a good day everyone!
killed my knee. went to the ER. wearing an enormous knee immobilizer. either partially or completely torn ligament. if i can't put pressure on it in two days, i have to go to an orthopedist and more than likely have surgery. i'm all doped up on lortab and demerol right now. and i'm still in a shitload of pain. i've never felt pain like this. i cried like a freaking baby. felt like an idiot for reacting the way i did, but i was/am seriously in paaaaiiiin.
I just found out a friend I know from IRC killed himself yesterday.

I'll miss you, Nicky, where ever you are.

Feb. 29th, 2008

Oh, the thoughts, they fly! So much on my mind.


Do I want that second mug of coffee?


Why is it only 10:17am? :|

lostinapapercup hope your flights and all were safe. Sorry to hear about your grandmother.

Feb. 18th, 2008

Saw Cowboy Mouth on Saturday night. Yay! It was much fun, even though I have a huge knot on my head from Ben's chin.

I just haven't felt like writing much in here. I am now because I'm hungry and sleepy. I have 30 minutes till lunch, and even though there's work to be done, this is my best attempt at staying awake.

It feels great to have a social life.
I had the most amazing night!! :D

He loves me. ♥

so true.

Feb. 11th, 2008

I was going to write a big entry and give an update, but I'm suddenly aggravated and don't feel like it. But things are going well.

Oddly enough, things are going great.
I am on cloud nine. :D I don't wanna come down!
I am the happiness!

Excited for what's to come.


He's an awesome kisser.


Yay.

Jan. 23rd, 2008


orange flower
stands so proud
wonders how
the world goes round
drops its guard
just to see
petals fall
and stem breaks
nothing left
broken
orange flower


i wrote that many, many years ago. and it just came to me this morning. i'm pretty sure that's exactly how it went, word for word. i'll have to look it up to find out when i get home.

Jan. 22nd, 2008

I'm lacking with my ultra easy New Year's Resolution. But I suppose that seems to be the trend; make it and break it. I do plan on continuing with it, though. So, I'll just have a week left out. I'll try to go back and fill something in for those days. Or I may just have a generic "good" for the days I forget to write something (which of course will be recognizable as such when I go back to read them).

I just conducted my first interview. It was odd to be on the hiring end of things. She was the first interview for the position. I liked her well enough, but of course she wants more money. I'm still holding out for a few more interviews (c'mon, where are all the resumes?). I think the one dude that applied will probably not be back in touch because he lives an hour away, and really we're not offering all that much for pay. Of course, it is only a data entry position. But this whole me doing interviews really makes me stop to think, "Do I want to be here, in this position?" (You can breathe, Kathy, I'm not quitting. :P) I had to ask, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" ...I don't see myself here in five years. I know that this really is a GREAT place to work. It's small, the people I work with are awesome in all kinds of ways, and even though my boss can really be an ass sometimes, he's still a good boss. But it's the nature of the work. Do I want to let the nature of this work drive me away? Sure, sure, that sounds like a good reason to leave somewhere. Thing is, I don't hate what I do, but I'm not thrilled with it. What would I rather be doing? Really? What else is out there, that I could do with such a great work environment? ...

Oh-so thought provoking.

Horoscope

according to the Onion:

The stars predict the start of you getting a little more proactive about your own fucking future for a change. Seriously, enough is enough.

I love it.

free hugs?

Anyone ever done the whole free hug thing?

Writer's Block: A Profound Impact

Who has had a profound musical impact?


Cowboy Mouth. I started listening to them about the time I started college, which was around 1999. I love going to their shows. They're always upbeat and full of energy. It's the only time I ever dance and bounce around. I can just let everything go (let it go, let it go, let it go!) while I'm there. They help me to relax and forget the world for a while.

It's time for another show!

<3 Cowboy Mouth.

Jan. 17th, 2008

I get to do interviews for work. We're hiring another data entry person. I've never conducted an interview before. It ought to be interesting. I actually had a guy send in a resume! I'm so excited. Our office is all women, except for the boss. It would be nice to have another male around. But we'll see how his interview goes.

I'm so very tired. I want to sleeeeeeeep. I went to bed early last night. Didn't even get online once I left work. That's completely odd for me. But I was just exhausted. Still am today.

I think I'm going to take the old coffee pot from here and bring it home. It's really nice, and has a timer on it! I could set it to make for when I wake up. YAY.

Anyhow.


I don't want to work today.

Jan. 4th, 2008

I'm leaving for Boston today! WOOOO!! I am SOOO excited! :D

SQUEE.

Can't wait to be on that plane. :D

I'm going to try to post at least mid-way while I'm there.

This trip should rock. I get to meet sraedi!!! :D Can't wait!!

three.

The good: Misty still turns her pants 360 before she puts them on.

The bad: She put my toothbrush in the toilet.

two.

The good: I slept for four hours when I got home.

sigh.

I hate being irritable.


I feel all itchy.


Something's up with my chair. It's different, all of a sudden.


I need a nap.



& love.

one.

I had breakfast with my parents, lunch with my family, and sat around watching tv this afternoon while I did laundry. I also took a two hour nap.

It was awesome.
My patience wears thin talking to these idiots (that call in at work). The more I speak with, the harder it gets to handle the next dumbass.

Now I have a migraine. :(

Only thirty more minutes and I can go home. I only want to sleep, but I really must cut my grass.
I'm leaving for BOSTON in FIVE days!


Rawr. :D

Dec. 28th, 2007

Man. One of my friends just emailed me to say that they're getting a half day today. I'm jealous. We have a full day today AND have to work on New Year's Eve. Our boss is a punk when it comes to time off for holidays. :|

Edit: We get off at three pm on Monday. Wee.
It's a rainy morning. With thunder and lightning. I wish I could have stayed in bed, and slept the day away. I love thunderstorms. But they are a little less than enjoyable while I'm at work. If it turns darker than it already is, and has loud, booming thunder, I will be happy.

My mood is iffy today.

One week till Boston.

Christmas 2007

four gig SD card
brown docs
black docs
pj's
two barnes & noble gift cards
tool box
tree of life belt buckle
gir blanket
candle holder

a look at the past.

Square America // photos from the past.

Dec. 20th, 2007

Edit: so much for therapy. I've called numerous times and only gotten voicemail. I'm not driving that far out of my way just to see if I am scheduled or not. If she can't return my calls about scheduling an appointment, I'm not interested in being her patient, anyhow. I'm more irritable than I was earlier. I'll just find someone else.

Today is supposed to be my therapy appointment. I already don't like this therapist. I've called her two days in a row, and not heard back from her. I have no idea if I have an appointment at one pm or not, because she won't call me back to confirm it. [Interesting side note: It is mandated by the state that insurances offer benefits for mental health. News to me.] I called at nine am. I'll call back around eleven am. Because I'll need to leave here at twelve pm if I do have the appointment at one pm. I have the feeling that I will not have a therapy appointment today. Which may be just as well--or not. Last night I had a depressing dream. I was very frustrated with everything. I remember saying, "This sucks the life right out of me. I can't keep doing this." I was walking in a line, following people, on some sort of destination, and it was very dark. Outside. Street lights. White walls of buildings and cafeteria seating.

I looked at ix09's pictures on flickr. They were beautiful and inspirational. I heard clips of stories as I looked at each picture. I want to take photos that well. I want to capture a story. I want to get better angles. While I looked at the photos, I liked life a little more, for just a little while.

I've been sneezing all day. Well, for the past two days. I hope I'm not getting a cold. With this weather here, it wouldbe no surprise. It was raining this morning. Humid. I wanted it to get dark and storm. I only heard thunder once. It wasn't enough for my liking.

My sister (also my immediate supervisor/boss) made a comment that I was leaving work too early, too often. In my defense, I left five minutes early yesterday, but the days before that, I'd close up at four fifty-eight pm and head downstairs. By the time I said goodbye, it was five pm. I have, indeed, been slacking. I feel guilty about this, but not enough to work more. Neither is the rest of the office. Boss is out of town on vacation, and we're all pretty slow and half-hearted. I have been at least ten minutes late for the past week, though. I can't get up in the morning. I've never been a snoozer, but lately, I snooze for an hour before I finally drag myself out of bed. My first thought when I wake up is almost always, "Shit." The thought of facing another day is utterly exhausting, and before I'm up for two minutes I'm already mentally worn out.

I am very thankful to have this job. Both of my jobs, even. But they, too, are working on what's left of my composure. My job is hardly enjoyable or desirable. I demand money and try to explain why they owe money, which, of course, they do not want to hear. My boss asked me last week, "So, are you planning to stick around."
"Yup, I'm in it, for now." My six month review comes up at the end of January. If I don't get a raise that allows me to fall down to just the one job, I will not be sticking around. Constantly working does nothing for my wavering mentality.

And then there's love, or lack there of. How can I possibly expect someone to love this fragile mind? This oversized frame? What do I have to offer? I think, at times, that if I at least lost enough weight, I'd have a beautiful body to offer. (Yes, I want this for myself, not just so someone will like me.) But, in all honesty, it really would be worlds easier to attract someone if I weren't overweight. This too, will come.

I wish that I were more passionate about...well, anything. Writing or photography, two of my once-upon-a-time favorite pasttimes. Some days I want to take the advice of so many, and just let it all go, and take chances and be bold. Leave this all behind and find a new place in life. Quit work and go to graduate school for a masters in creative writing. Move to an entirely new place, and just experience life in all the ways I've always dreamt of. But I am afraid. How can I leave behind the stability my family offers? They've done so much for me. Another rash decision and I think my father may actually have a heart attack.

I feel like a leaf, that buds and grows on the tree, watching the days and nights go by, aspiring to fly far away in the wind. And then, when I finally break free, I drift about, uncertain in which direction to go, swaying back and forth, undecided in the wind. And then--I am on the ground, waiting on the wind to pick me back up, and carry me off in whatever direction it cares. But until then, I am still here, stuck on the ground.
I'm going to Boston January 4 - 9! Yay!

Semi-negative.

Guess what? I'm not working, and I should be. Surprise, surprise. I need a nap. Maybe I'll sleep over my lunch break. The other employees are going to Stage because they're having some sort of sale. They say I should go, so I can take care of some of my shopping, but I really don't want to. Knowing me, though, I'll go. ...or not. I really could curl up in a chair and pass out.

My Zoey-dog gave me the saddest eyes this morning when I left. I hated to leave her. I'd love to go home and curl up with her.

My head hurt so bad yesterday evening on my way home, I seriously thought I was going to faint. While I was driving, no less. I've never really gotten that feeling before. It took some effort, but I managed to stay alert. Eventually the feeling just passed.

Sometimes life feels so surreal, like I'm not actually living it, just watching it.

A friend told me on the phone last night, "You help my keep my sanity." If I could, I would have hugged him (he lives in Indiana). It was nice to hear that, even admist my own insanity, I can help someone sustain their own.

I'm having tuna for lunch. I'm sort of looking forward to it.

I'm sorry for being so negative lately. I suppose I should put warnings in the subject line. I am trying to be more positive. Really, I am.

(I'm trying not to think about you, anymore, but it gets hard sometimes.)

Mandatory Happiness for the Day

This is a Happy Post.

:)

Dec. 12th, 2007

I want to find myself lost in a graveyard. Ancient and beautiful. I want to lay on the ground amongst them and feel empty for a while. No thoughts, no worries; nothing.

Dec. 12th, 2007

Again, not working when I should be. (Speaking of work, Paige, what are you doing now?) I have to go to Baton Rouge today with my boss. o.O Not entirely looking forward to that ride. My head already hurts (always, always). I can't concentrate on work. I can't concentrate on anything.

Since I know I'm going to BR, I thought it would be really cool if the Bail Bond office was near Tiger Signs, but I seriously doubt that it is. It's more than likely next to one of the jails. I don't know why I should care, he hasn't talked to me (nor responded to my calls/emails) in months.

I'm a dork. I want to burst. I feel the irritability starting. I need...to scream, to sleep, to cry, to disappear, to love, to feel loved, to be better.

If I give up on love, I give up on life. I'm not throwing in the towel, yet.

My boss wants me to be best friends with all these different people I'm about to start working with. My people skills are seriously not there, and my happy faking self isn't up to par, either. This job may be wearing on me, but I can't leave.

I have my work Christmas dinner tonight. I am, of course, dateless. If I had anyone to ask, I would've. Okay, well, I guess I could have asked this one guy I've known for a while. But I haven't met him personally yet, and I doubt he'd have wanted the initial meeting to be at my work Christmas dinner, if he would want to meet me personally at all.

I am itchy. Which means my nerves are getting worse rather quickly today.

I need a fucking vacation. I need a week of sleep. I need love.

DAMN. :(

Dec. 11th, 2007

My front door lock has been changed. Yay.

I'm about to drive to Lake Charles. :(

I'm afraid of stopping to realize just what kind of mood I might really be in right now. I'll just skirt around labeling myself in any mood, actually. I just am.

Okay. I better get packed to leave.

Damn, I keep forgetting to charge my bluetooth. Not that I have anyone to talk to, anyhow.

I must be psychotic.

I feel like I go through sundowning (Increased agitation, Increased anxiety, Increased confusion, Restlessness, Less cooperative, and More argumentative) of sorts (not really, because I doubt I have Alzheimer's at 26) every afternoon.

I think I need a serious vacation, but instead, I agree to work Christmas Eve. SIGH.

I wish this headache would go away.

"Why does life keep shitting on me?"

So tired of the drama. I no longer feel safe in my house. I'm exhausted. I hate creepy fucks.

from my OKC journal

December seems to be my non-stop month. I think, if all goes well, I will have three days off this month. There are ups and downs to this, of course. On the up side, at least I'll be making more money, which is direly needed. As well as not as much time to feel lonely, since I'm "alone" (as in no significant other, I've got plenty family) for the holidays. On the down side, my sanity is stretched pretty thin right now. No me time to relax might result in a broken (as I feel very nearly there already) me. One of my days off I'm actually scheduled to work (because the one time this year she made the schedule two weeks in advance I didn't put in my request uber early), but it's the Christmas party for my dad's side of the family and I've already told her I won't be going in to work that day. I really wish she'd hire more people. I also wish I'd make enough money to support myself with one job, but I've been on this rant over and over, again.

I haven't bought the first Christmas present. For the most part, I think I'll be taking the easy way out and just giving something towards a bigger gift (parents, grandparents, aunts, etc), so I don't actually have to think about it. I only have about 5 presents I really need to think about. I get paid tomorrow, so maybe I can knock a few of those out Saturday before or after I work (because I'm sure I'll be dying to go shopping at either of those times *smirk*). If I had more creativity and talent, I'd be making presents instead of buying.

Going back to "alone" for the holidays; it sucks. As awful as it is to say, I think I'd have a bit more sanity this month if I knew I was coming home to someone I cared for, and could curl up with at night, rather than falling asleep alone every night. I don't want to be dependent on someone else. I know that I can do this whole life things alone, but it sure is....yeah, lonely.

Anyhow, I hope yall are having better luck with the holidays, and it isn't quite so hectic and crazy. Enjoy 'em.

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